KAKAMEGA, Kenya

Kenya’s splintered opposition factions announced they have finally achieved total, unbreakable unity, a sacred bond they plan to maintain until someone has to choose a single presidential candidate.

Leading the newly minted “United Opposition” charge into Western Kenya, Democracy for Citizens Party leader Rigathi Gachagua boldly declared he will single-handedly marshal 20 million votes to unseat President William Ruto in 2027.

Political scientists are frantically checking the latest census data, as Gachagua’s flawlessly simple math involves adding seven million votes from Mt. Kenya, five million from the Mulembe nation, and a few more millions from wherever else votes are sold in bulk.

The opposition coalition promised they will name their official flag bearer “at the appropriate time,” which insiders translate to “the exact moment the coalition implodes.”